By far, worst dinner out ever though ironically, the one where I managed to think through about life the most.

I've finally managed to pin-point the reason why I absolutely, and I use that word there for specific reasons, hate michelle. She is a self-motivated, self-centered and arrogant person. Actually, I hate any sort of people who are like that. Perhaps that particular value is in direct contrast to all I believe in. I could probably tolerate degrees of other annoying traits such as stubbornness or rashness or any other sort but I firmly believe that the root of all evil lies not in money but in self-centric views. In fact, the only reason why money seems evil lies in personal greed and thus once again, points to a very self myopic view on life. Money on its own is just paper and is definitely neutral; the human impulse to satisfy but oneself and its inability to consider other people before oneself distorts money.

Since all evil lies in selfishness, then love is the opposite of it and this indeed is true. The reason why love is so highly lauded and seems noble is only because it is a concept or state of being where humans display the ability to rise above... well humanity. 

In that case, love or any expressions of love must never be married to self-motive. This is also why in conversations with people from church, it is definitely a much more pleasant, personal and intimate experience, admittedly more so than my nuclear family itself. Sincerity is thus key and for that, I am glad I have studied literature - Dear Sister, I can read your motives and they certainly aren't pleasant or agreeable. 

Thus marks another new point in self-searching - how does one become able to only practice this universal love much like Herlanders. We need a god that expects no "honor, reverence, obedience" from you. A god that expects things not done for him but from him. To live "as if God was real and at work within them" is key and by then humans will look not at eternity because the hopes attached to eternity is experienced not in the hereafter but in the here, the now. God is thus incongruous with self-gain as well - that God is the manifestation of love means God is the manifestation of all that is not self-gain. 

How are people supposed to live in the present
when all we think about is our future?
How are we supposed to find 'The One'
when we are not even 'The One' 's ourselves?

So leave me, thrust me and kick me away
for I do not deserve any of this - this life you preach.
Return me my soul, my green pastures and my forever spring.
If you could just untie this string called affection,
O how less painful and more wondrous my life could be;
and yet empty.

It is only when life gets so hectic and when one gets so caught up in the pace of said life, that one sees how life becomes hollowed out. Thus, I stand before the years of my accumulated wisdom and ask how then is one supposed to live?

It seems that in the face of such an empty life that one's desire for affection and attention is intensified - brought to the extreme like caffeine heightening a person's awareness. So sharp and so intense is such of this desire and yet being unfulfilled, reciprocates only an equally if not sharper pain - a needle-prick extended over a thousand times in a single moment.

Therefore, while my mind is asleep despite the coffee ingested and my body remains awake from aforementioned indulgence, I find myself only able to spout nonsense in my lonely shell. Will anyone ever be able to crack this clam? Will there be a pearl at the center then? Even if there were, I get this feeling it is but a fragmented, tainted orb.

Deadliest Catch

I fished a place like no other place
you will ever find on earth; 
a place where the hard work and danger
can and should reflect a man's worth.
I fished a place where the hours long,
sleep, rare, if at all.
A place where even the strong
sometimes, stumble and fall.
I fished a place where you spent countless hours
pulling countless pots.
A place where the memories of her back home
is thought with countless thoughts.

I fished a place
where the weather can turn,
bad, in a blink of an eye.
A place where those who'll get hurt.
Some will even die.

I love this place,
and the pride it has given me.
You see,
very few people on the face of this earth can say
"I've crab fished on the berring sea".
  - Larry Riser (Deadliest Catch)

"Hope-ing in a shadow"

Day beckons in my world when the ball of fire rises
yet Day never comes.
In my world, - shadows abound - 
humans have eyes of stone and hearts only of gold.
And then I ask:
Is life still worth living?

In my world, - time is created -
yet time is never enough measure of worth.
Dusk is but a shadow of my twilight, 
always evading, always eluding
and never appearing.

But alas, are my eyes, too, darkened by shadows?
Although the earth has turned foul,
and the leaves are withered and weathered by savages,
the stem is still green and a tiny, almost unnoticable little bud
appears; and it is there. 

Everytime I try to sink into the murk
wings soaking up fire from the sky pull me up.
And thus, I live to give this world another chance.

Haha, I didn't even blog the whole of April X:

I don't even know what compelled me to blog today either. But, here goes

Yesterday was an upsetting day. The whole day just didn't fall into place properly and the rugby team's loss was seriously disheartening. What felt worse was being unable to do anything during the match and moreso after the match, watching the tearful faces of my peers as they returned to the bench. Watching grown, big men cry like that could truly make even the most cold being break inside. As the final whistle blew, it was not just them who lost, it was us too, by the sidelines. What was last week, a tiresome longing for the final whistle to announce our victory over archrivals ACJC, has become a cruel wait for the sound of dreams crashing down into the earth. Every call the referee made was biased and unjust but when not on the field, who is to judge? Though, it was pretty obvious that the referee was unjust then. Funny though, that the parents of some of the players by the side were so enthusiastic about the game. It is quite funny when you see two grown up, rather past-prime ladies discussing rugby and calling the bad calls the referee made. Eitherways, it was a sad... sad day.

Power

Is it possible to truly enjoy power?

Well, while most if not all of us chase after power in one way or another; business positions, political standing or even just power to make decisions over our lives, is it possible to truly enjoy power? It seems to me that this chase after power is a mindless search for unhappiness.

I enjoyed power when I grew up and entered secondary education, entered tertiary education. More and more freedom was bestowed upon me by my parents as I grew older. Certainly, you would seem to enjoy that freedom, more space to chase what you desire, more opportunities to create for yourself, more independance to do what you really want. However, that just gave more space to screw up. It just seems that, the more power I get, the more time passes by, the more unhappy I eventually get. Then, what is the point? 

Certifications definitely don't make us any happier do they? In fact, the more exams we take, the more certifications we get, it just makes life much more complicated. Then, can we still say it is possible to truly enjoy power?

My conclusion? Fuck it.

Firstly, sorry for the inept post before and thanks to all those who comforted me in one way or another. Much appreciated (:

Just back from Confirmation Camp 2009. Have to say, despite it being the 2nd year I'm mentoring and facilitating, and it being the 3rd con camp i've been to, it has once again surprised me and affected me in a totally unexpected but really meaningful way.

On hindsight, I suppose even though it was put in a really inconvienient timeslot - starting on the day the first part of BT1 ended and all, was really God's way of solving the problems I encountered preceding this camp. The restlessness, the stress, the vulgarities and all the other problems... he really lifted them up all.

This year's camp was really something different. I went in, on the first night, with only two confirmants having shown up and Kenneth Yap, another confirmant showing up later. For one, I was shocked and speechless, truly, I might have deep within me, judged their batch. I mean, for me, I took the effort to sacrifice my sleeping and resting time after my exams as well as the preparation time I would have over the weekends for holiday lessons and there they were, only three out of a total of 7 having turned up. There were so many facilitators in comparison to confirmants and honestly speaking, I felt betrayed, which only added to the problems and frustrations I already had.

However, seeing them change, seeing them open up, seeing them actually making a commitment to want to get to know God better and understanding their circumstances, I was actually ashamed because they stood through such adversity. Most of them came from broken families and the problems they had were far from being trivial. But when I saw them smile and share their experiences, deep within I just tore up. Seeing Lynette smile as she affirmed her fellow friends, seeing Ranne share his story in deep contemplation, seeing Richman open up to us and becoming more engaged, seeing Gabriel thinking back on his 'paradigm'. It really struck me that the story about the starfish, that each one saved made a difference to that one starfish, each change we, as a group, changed, would go a really long way. 

I learnt alot, and I am indeed spent. However, worthy mentions include the fact that I managed to stay through the entire 3 day 2 night course of the camp, to have sufficient energy to complete my tasks properly and still engage in the activities. And apart from the multitude of stories, on the last day again, God revealed to us all as a group in his own way. We were at Fort Canning Park today for our activities and as it became late noon, the sky becoming threatening yet the program was not over. However, we managed to complete all the required segments that were planned and quickly headed back, the sky at this time being completely overcast. However, despite stopping periodically to take group photos, sharing laughter and capturing still moments, we managed to walk back to church dry. Just as we all gathered back together in the p&w room, it poured. Indeed, God is above all.

The lessons I have learnt from this camp will remain, the problems gathered the past few days healed. But "like a rose trampled on the ground", I too, would have to take "the fall". 

Today was an unlucky day. Here's why

Imagine starting off the day at 1am, waking up on an exam day feeling really warm and itchy... managed to sleep again at 2.

Woke up again at 6 to the chime of the clock which was oh so irritating. Someone accidentally switched on the annoying alarm AGAIN and that monstrous thing wouldn't stop.

Fumbled into the car, shirt untucked, tie unworn, wallet forgotten. Walked out to get it and back again.

Lousy, horrendous piano playing from LT1.

Half-asleep mind, stuck for a moment on a maths practice question, totally spoiling my chain of successes since yesterday.

Stomach-ache.

Confused myself over integration of inverse trigo. Realised later they are all in MF15

Saw a grumpy Ms K zoom pass, daoing me.

RBF b4 assembly.

RBF a few classes left because of absence of A6 and A7 who didnt take H2 Maths paper

RBF 2 rows left during Maths Paper.

Fking Hard Maths Paper - Made revision package seem like a joke. And my 3-4 times of doing it.

Realised how to do first part of last question in the last 3mins. Didn't complete, left it right before finding the answer.

Every1 finding it fking hard.

Fking long queue at Canteen.

No Tables at Canteen.

Dirty Table at Canteen.

Pathetic beef burger which patty didnt even fill the entire radius of the bun.

Fking crowded library.

Irritating J1s walking about.

Zhou at Lit Paper.

Zhou saying Hi in a really weird tone.

Fking hard Lit Paper. (Comparison)

Hand Cramp mid-way.

Shalene's anticipated 'Trial Scene' -Act 4:2, exact extract came out. (Context)

Never read that whole section before in its entirety carefully.

Alot of content to write about, thanks to fascinating discussion earlier.

Know the points. dunno how to write.

Fking no time.

Used alot of vulgarities.

Demoralised and depressed.

Fking kids on 133 fooling about around me.

Felt like punching one's head in cus he looked fking irritating.

Missed 2 265s in a row at the bus stop.

Went to buy bread cus hunger, back to traffic light, missed 1 more.

Took 268, missed my stop, walk further.

Near my house, see another 265 zoom by.

Fking complaining on my fking blog.

Much more to come, its come to the point where I can sort of predict if a bad thing's going to happen.

Pissed today.

Dad reprimanded me about my MSA results... okay true that for the MSA I was really just fooling around and I suppose because I practically did nothing in the holidays, I screwed up my MSA. But I am sure he didn't need to go to such extent of scolding me about how "according to my O level results I should at least be in the top 60%" and that my results were like just the bottom percentile or something. But hey... your son is just not cut out for studying :/ For starters, he CANNOT multi task so yea, you're right. I cant be on the computer and study. And yea you're right, I am always on the computer. And yea you're right about asking how then can I study. Well, I just simply dont :/ well not intensely anyway, never have and never will. 

So yea.... life sucks. 

wow almost at the end of the month already.

Lately, just been alternating between school and studying and sleep :/ haha really boring life i'd say. Though i did manage to realise that mee goreng tastes best after fasting for an entire day hahahaha. Well actually I think any sort of food tastes awesome after fasting for an entire day :/ 

Played a great game of captain's ball against A6 again today haha though we did lost :/ but it was fun I suppose hahaha. Can kinda feel my mental thinking getting strained again as I did Narnia... or perhaps its just because I was tired because even though there were some sort of ideas flowing in... but I just couldnt verbalise them. Haha... oh dear... Anywho, Block Tests coming up soon... inside im kinda aiming for at least 60 rank points again even though the sheer difficulty and possibility does make me question my ambition haha. 

Botak Jones today was not bad... but it was the company that was great I suppose. imwgt looks like a hong kong triad boss EVEN in a coffeeshop hahahahah leather boots and all.  Ate alot today :S

I suppose... life's a bitch but then again... life will be fair one... right elly? haha