Power
Is it possible to truly enjoy power?
Well, while most if not all of us chase after power in one way or another; business positions, political standing or even just power to make decisions over our lives, is it possible to truly enjoy power? It seems to me that this chase after power is a mindless search for unhappiness.
I enjoyed power when I grew up and entered secondary education, entered tertiary education. More and more freedom was bestowed upon me by my parents as I grew older. Certainly, you would seem to enjoy that freedom, more space to chase what you desire, more opportunities to create for yourself, more independance to do what you really want. However, that just gave more space to screw up. It just seems that, the more power I get, the more time passes by, the more unhappy I eventually get. Then, what is the point?
Certifications definitely don't make us any happier do they? In fact, the more exams we take, the more certifications we get, it just makes life much more complicated. Then, can we still say it is possible to truly enjoy power?
My conclusion? Fuck it.
Firstly, sorry for the inept post before and thanks to all those who comforted me in one way or another. Much appreciated (:
Just back from Confirmation Camp 2009. Have to say, despite it being the 2nd year I'm mentoring and facilitating, and it being the 3rd con camp i've been to, it has once again surprised me and affected me in a totally unexpected but really meaningful way.
On hindsight, I suppose even though it was put in a really inconvienient timeslot - starting on the day the first part of BT1 ended and all, was really God's way of solving the problems I encountered preceding this camp. The restlessness, the stress, the vulgarities and all the other problems... he really lifted them up all.
This year's camp was really something different. I went in, on the first night, with only two confirmants having shown up and Kenneth Yap, another confirmant showing up later. For one, I was shocked and speechless, truly, I might have deep within me, judged their batch. I mean, for me, I took the effort to sacrifice my sleeping and resting time after my exams as well as the preparation time I would have over the weekends for holiday lessons and there they were, only three out of a total of 7 having turned up. There were so many facilitators in comparison to confirmants and honestly speaking, I felt betrayed, which only added to the problems and frustrations I already had.
However, seeing them change, seeing them open up, seeing them actually making a commitment to want to get to know God better and understanding their circumstances, I was actually ashamed because they stood through such adversity. Most of them came from broken families and the problems they had were far from being trivial. But when I saw them smile and share their experiences, deep within I just tore up. Seeing Lynette smile as she affirmed her fellow friends, seeing Ranne share his story in deep contemplation, seeing Richman open up to us and becoming more engaged, seeing Gabriel thinking back on his 'paradigm'. It really struck me that the story about the starfish, that each one saved made a difference to that one starfish, each change we, as a group, changed, would go a really long way.
I learnt alot, and I am indeed spent. However, worthy mentions include the fact that I managed to stay through the entire 3 day 2 night course of the camp, to have sufficient energy to complete my tasks properly and still engage in the activities. And apart from the multitude of stories, on the last day again, God revealed to us all as a group in his own way. We were at Fort Canning Park today for our activities and as it became late noon, the sky becoming threatening yet the program was not over. However, we managed to complete all the required segments that were planned and quickly headed back, the sky at this time being completely overcast. However, despite stopping periodically to take group photos, sharing laughter and capturing still moments, we managed to walk back to church dry. Just as we all gathered back together in the p&w room, it poured. Indeed, God is above all.
The lessons I have learnt from this camp will remain, the problems gathered the past few days healed. But "like a rose trampled on the ground", I too, would have to take "the fall".
Today was an unlucky day. Here's why
Imagine starting off the day at 1am, waking up on an exam day feeling really warm and itchy... managed to sleep again at 2.
Woke up again at 6 to the chime of the clock which was oh so irritating. Someone accidentally switched on the annoying alarm AGAIN and that monstrous thing wouldn't stop.
Fumbled into the car, shirt untucked, tie unworn, wallet forgotten. Walked out to get it and back again.
Lousy, horrendous piano playing from LT1.
Half-asleep mind, stuck for a moment on a maths practice question, totally spoiling my chain of successes since yesterday.
Stomach-ache.
Confused myself over integration of inverse trigo. Realised later they are all in MF15
Saw a grumpy Ms K zoom pass, daoing me.
RBF b4 assembly.
RBF a few classes left because of absence of A6 and A7 who didnt take H2 Maths paper
RBF 2 rows left during Maths Paper.
Fking Hard Maths Paper - Made revision package seem like a joke. And my 3-4 times of doing it.
Realised how to do first part of last question in the last 3mins. Didn't complete, left it right before finding the answer.
Every1 finding it fking hard.
Fking long queue at Canteen.
No Tables at Canteen.
Dirty Table at Canteen.
Pathetic beef burger which patty didnt even fill the entire radius of the bun.
Fking crowded library.
Irritating J1s walking about.
Zhou at Lit Paper.
Zhou saying Hi in a really weird tone.
Fking hard Lit Paper. (Comparison)
Hand Cramp mid-way.
Shalene's anticipated 'Trial Scene' -Act 4:2, exact extract came out. (Context)
Never read that whole section before in its entirety carefully.
Alot of content to write about, thanks to fascinating discussion earlier.
Know the points. dunno how to write.
Fking no time.
Used alot of vulgarities.
Demoralised and depressed.
Fking kids on 133 fooling about around me.
Felt like punching one's head in cus he looked fking irritating.
Missed 2 265s in a row at the bus stop.
Went to buy bread cus hunger, back to traffic light, missed 1 more.
Took 268, missed my stop, walk further.
Near my house, see another 265 zoom by.
Fking complaining on my fking blog.
Much more to come, its come to the point where I can sort of predict if a bad thing's going to happen.
Pissed today.
Dad reprimanded me about my MSA results... okay true that for the MSA I was really just fooling around and I suppose because I practically did nothing in the holidays, I screwed up my MSA. But I am sure he didn't need to go to such extent of scolding me about how "according to my O level results I should at least be in the top 60%" and that my results were like just the bottom percentile or something. But hey... your son is just not cut out for studying :/ For starters, he CANNOT multi task so yea, you're right. I cant be on the computer and study. And yea you're right, I am always on the computer. And yea you're right about asking how then can I study. Well, I just simply dont :/ well not intensely anyway, never have and never will.
So yea.... life sucks.
