"I can't take it anymore! Stop! Stop! STOP!"
at that time, I really resented the fact that I was the only one who had to go through all this. "Why did it have to be me?" I thought. "Why is it only I need to feel this much pain?"
"Ask them to do something about it mummy! Ask them! I can't take it anymore!"
the look on her face then had hidden so much despair it seemed to make her look older
"I need to pee! I need to pee!"
"You got a diaper. You can do it right here."
"But I don't want to do it in a diaper!"
"You have to!"
"I don't want to!"
"Stop being so childish!"
"You don't understand. Both of you will never understand. Why don't you do it in a diaper and let them change it for you? You can never understand!"
I did it then. In the silence that ensued, Dad came forward and said he'd change my diaper."
"Dear, could you go out of the curtain? I'd change his diaper."
I hid my face in the pillow, refusing to move. Dad shifted the curtains to cover the bed. There was something in his composure that attacked me deeply and yet gave me comfort. It was there to remind me of my foolishness and was also there to embrace me and to tell me that it was okay to be selfish. But it broke the moment his eyes laid sight upon my pathetic being.
"I am terribly sorry. I am sorry. I cannot understand what you're going through. I am sorry. It was my fault you have to go through all this. I am sorry. I should have given you a healthier body, just like all the other kids. I am so sorry. Sorry... sorry..."
I know I had never seen him cry before and it seemed like he has never ever cried for a long time either. But in that moment before he turned away, I can vouch I saw tears streaming down his face.
He then washed me and changed my diapers. It was then that I decided that I was going to endure what the future had in store for me. Little did I know, I had no future. I lived with a time limit. There was never any possibility I could live a life as an adult. There was never any possibility I could hold up to my promise of marrying her. How foolish I was. How foolish I was...
Relationships are interwined in our lives and likewise, our lives are interwined in our relationships. To a large extent as well, these relationships shape and form our lives. It can even be said that these exposures literally make us, well us.
If the notion that we are what our environment and surroundings mould us to be. Then in that case, it should be reasonable to say our environment confines our growth within this imaginary box, and with each passing moment, that box inches inwards to us. This being said, we are actually predetermined creatures of an uncontrollable fate, or is it?
Is it possible that we can control our environment, given the current state of technology and perhaps, future speculations of possiblities? Given presently, we are, to some extent, able to control the comfortability and safety of our environment and given that, we can directly control the impact of natural disasters and lifestyle conditions. If then, we are also able to control the relationships and bonds we form, does that not suggest we can actually predetermine how an individual will grow up to be?
Consider this case, given that I control the company of this individual to ONLY meet people who are docile in nature, chances are this individual will definitely cultivate characteristics either similar or identical to his/her companions.
Think about this, you and I could have been pieces of a big masterplan we are unable to conceive.
We all breeze through life, day in day out. Some people are fortunate enough to live a life they wished for, some are even more fortunate that they are satisfied with the life they have even though they did not wish for it and others, are the most fortunate for living happy lives.
Strange though, how people would fret over what to do with their lives, what should they pursue in their lives, what do they want to achieve. Strange because at the end of the day, when you get there, chances are that you can never put your plans into action. Funny how life paves the way, as if it should be taken for granted, and mows down all the doubts and uncertainties. And then comes the big question. Why then, do so many people wander about in uncertainty if life moves itself for you? I suppose, I never did say life makes decisions for you.
We, each and every single one of us, we make decisions every single minute of our lives. Even this moment when I am typing, I am probably making the decision of which word I would use, which sentence to use next, which thought to develop and put down. Truth be told, decisions are so commonplace for us, yet so very very remote and detached. We all make decisions nonchalantly yet we are never able to fathom decisions.
However, I feel I've made the worst mistake of humanity. I have yet to make a decision.
