Sunday, March 23, 2008
Rather depressing title I know... but that aside... It's Easter so I'll try not to be that depressed.
Things have been a standstill most of the time lately ( as usual )... I think I'm missing a flare, a spark that was faintly evident in the days of O levels. I suppose in those days of hectic rushing of homework while balancing the fair sanity of cracking jokes with peeps, there was that sense of having led a fulfilling time in the days. I just can't explain it well in words, due to my lack of good vocabulary which I am personally, quite ashamed of for my part, but it just somehow... doesnt seem to click now. As if that sort of exciting life I had just a few months ago were but a mere dream that passed as easily as I took it for granted. Times really do fly by and we really do regret not cherishing them enough. But how do we cherish times we had in the past? I mean... its always being said that we could have "cherished" those times better. How can we make "better" use of those times? But alas, I too am stuck within this very own paradox of my own... hypocritical being I am.
Even still... Much have been passing through my head again. Thoughts... Plans... I don't know... somehow whenever something in my head goes somewhere reasonable... it just reaches yet another standstill... another road block so to speak. Everytime I think I've got my life planned out... I find some bit of regret in me. I find that tiny bit that says... "hey maybe if I dont pursue it this way and go another direction, I might feel happier" How many a times do people actually get a job that they study for? How many actually lead a life they plan? How many actually experience the happiness they thought they would get in the past? I think i need many answers.
I'm slowly becoming paranoid. Too much time on my hands that I'm letting go without doing anything productive I suppose. I've got schoolwork and my vocation as a student dictates I study. But yet another part of me speaks to me not to just live my next 2 years in full concentration on schoolwork; which to an extent is really true. Many advise i seek a balance, a compromise in between those 2 aspects - life and study; but is it really that simple.... Can i just flip a textbook to its indexes and scan for a section that reads "Balancing Life and Study". I'm sure its not that simple.
Project work. I've got a project up my hands... another one ( The other 1 unmentioned would be the Passion Play project) I've been working up untill just recently, where it was concluded albeit
quite successfully in my opinion ( though could have been better) I seek solace nowhere.
It just seems everywhere around me, things are getting paired up. I dunno... it sometimes just aches me a little that people get paired up and I've been living in denial all this while. Its like being in prison... unaware of whats happening in reality while ur in ur 4 stone walls. And then theres whats in me. I am at a point of time where I once again, do not have any inkling what I am good at. What I'm useful for. What I can do. How I can benefit others. Why the hell am I even here.
Dilemas Dilemas. It sometimes just hurts me a little. I find myself too scared to make any steps forward because I'm too conservative, too cowardly in fear that it might bring me back to the first step. As if I've already gotten past the first step. I feel I've got something to lose. But do I? I dunno what to do, I have nothing to do, And i dunno if i'll ever have anything to do.
I think... up to this point, I've had a sudden realisation that my real fear isint failing in school, isint not accomplishing anything or any phobia of any kind. My real fear, it seems, has got to do with myself - loneliness - losing identity. And it seems I'm slowly plummetting into each and every one of the three aforementioned.
If i scream, will anyone listen?
Things have been a standstill most of the time lately ( as usual )... I think I'm missing a flare, a spark that was faintly evident in the days of O levels. I suppose in those days of hectic rushing of homework while balancing the fair sanity of cracking jokes with peeps, there was that sense of having led a fulfilling time in the days. I just can't explain it well in words, due to my lack of good vocabulary which I am personally, quite ashamed of for my part, but it just somehow... doesnt seem to click now. As if that sort of exciting life I had just a few months ago were but a mere dream that passed as easily as I took it for granted. Times really do fly by and we really do regret not cherishing them enough. But how do we cherish times we had in the past? I mean... its always being said that we could have "cherished" those times better. How can we make "better" use of those times? But alas, I too am stuck within this very own paradox of my own... hypocritical being I am.
Even still... Much have been passing through my head again. Thoughts... Plans... I don't know... somehow whenever something in my head goes somewhere reasonable... it just reaches yet another standstill... another road block so to speak. Everytime I think I've got my life planned out... I find some bit of regret in me. I find that tiny bit that says... "hey maybe if I dont pursue it this way and go another direction, I might feel happier" How many a times do people actually get a job that they study for? How many actually lead a life they plan? How many actually experience the happiness they thought they would get in the past? I think i need many answers.
I'm slowly becoming paranoid. Too much time on my hands that I'm letting go without doing anything productive I suppose. I've got schoolwork and my vocation as a student dictates I study. But yet another part of me speaks to me not to just live my next 2 years in full concentration on schoolwork; which to an extent is really true. Many advise i seek a balance, a compromise in between those 2 aspects - life and study; but is it really that simple.... Can i just flip a textbook to its indexes and scan for a section that reads "Balancing Life and Study". I'm sure its not that simple.
Project work. I've got a project up my hands... another one ( The other 1 unmentioned would be the Passion Play project) I've been working up untill just recently, where it was concluded albeit
quite successfully in my opinion ( though could have been better) I seek solace nowhere.
It just seems everywhere around me, things are getting paired up. I dunno... it sometimes just aches me a little that people get paired up and I've been living in denial all this while. Its like being in prison... unaware of whats happening in reality while ur in ur 4 stone walls. And then theres whats in me. I am at a point of time where I once again, do not have any inkling what I am good at. What I'm useful for. What I can do. How I can benefit others. Why the hell am I even here.
Dilemas Dilemas. It sometimes just hurts me a little. I find myself too scared to make any steps forward because I'm too conservative, too cowardly in fear that it might bring me back to the first step. As if I've already gotten past the first step. I feel I've got something to lose. But do I? I dunno what to do, I have nothing to do, And i dunno if i'll ever have anything to do.
I think... up to this point, I've had a sudden realisation that my real fear isint failing in school, isint not accomplishing anything or any phobia of any kind. My real fear, it seems, has got to do with myself - loneliness - losing identity. And it seems I'm slowly plummetting into each and every one of the three aforementioned.
If i scream, will anyone listen?
what we could have been, 6:26 PM.
