Sunday, March 30, 2008
I hate this loneliness that has overcome me.
I hate that buzzing ringing sound in my ear.
I hate how everything seems so empty and meaningless now.
I need school. I need to do work. I need to be preoccupied.
I need someone.
I am a space filler; a temporary filling that fills emptiness within people.
I am taken, bought, utilised for companionship. Thrown away after use - disposable.
I am promised eternal attention, and then forgotten a month after.
I am decorated.
I am a display item.
I wonder if I will dare to ever speak to that one person.
I really want to tell that one person how I am really grateful.
I hope that one person understands and accepts me.
I feel like I am happy around that one person.
I'm within this writing, and yet I am not.
I'm the spaces in this writing, and that person is the text.
I'm not needed by that person to make sense, but I feel settled.
I'm who I am not.
- _____ 30/3/2008 7.52pm
I hate that buzzing ringing sound in my ear.
I hate how everything seems so empty and meaningless now.
I need school. I need to do work. I need to be preoccupied.
I need someone.
I am a space filler; a temporary filling that fills emptiness within people.
I am taken, bought, utilised for companionship. Thrown away after use - disposable.
I am promised eternal attention, and then forgotten a month after.
I am decorated.
I am a display item.
I wonder if I will dare to ever speak to that one person.
I really want to tell that one person how I am really grateful.
I hope that one person understands and accepts me.
I feel like I am happy around that one person.
I'm within this writing, and yet I am not.
I'm the spaces in this writing, and that person is the text.
I'm not needed by that person to make sense, but I feel settled.
I'm who I am not.
- _____ 30/3/2008 7.52pm
what we could have been, 7:45 PM.
You said you were only going to take a walk in the park... and you started to run.
You said you were going to your mom's for a while... you stayed overnight there.
You said you just needed to settle some administrative matters with the library... you ended up reading an entire novel.
You said you had to go use the toilet... you chatted with your friend for an entire hour after.
You said you wanted to browse for an album at the catalogue... you drowned in sleep as you listened to a track at the station.
You said you had to finish up your homework before calling... you totally forgot about the call.
You said you needed time to clear the spaces of your mind... you never returned.
Why is it, I wonder, that the wind that grabs your sail seems to be so relentless and that no matter how hard i try to call you back, that vicious wind just seems to continue tearing us apart.
But even though we are apart now, even though you might have entirely forgotten how I look like, the feeling of my hand brisking your hair, the scent of my favourite spray, the tone of my voice as it whispers to your ear, I sincerely hope you have not forgotten the time that we spent together, even if it meant just a faint picture of you with an enigmatic character. Because... well just because you are the best I ever had.
You said you were going to your mom's for a while... you stayed overnight there.
You said you just needed to settle some administrative matters with the library... you ended up reading an entire novel.
You said you had to go use the toilet... you chatted with your friend for an entire hour after.
You said you wanted to browse for an album at the catalogue... you drowned in sleep as you listened to a track at the station.
You said you had to finish up your homework before calling... you totally forgot about the call.
You said you needed time to clear the spaces of your mind... you never returned.
Why is it, I wonder, that the wind that grabs your sail seems to be so relentless and that no matter how hard i try to call you back, that vicious wind just seems to continue tearing us apart.
But even though we are apart now, even though you might have entirely forgotten how I look like, the feeling of my hand brisking your hair, the scent of my favourite spray, the tone of my voice as it whispers to your ear, I sincerely hope you have not forgotten the time that we spent together, even if it meant just a faint picture of you with an enigmatic character. Because... well just because you are the best I ever had.
what we could have been, 1:42 PM.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Rather depressing title I know... but that aside... It's Easter so I'll try not to be that depressed.
Things have been a standstill most of the time lately ( as usual )... I think I'm missing a flare, a spark that was faintly evident in the days of O levels. I suppose in those days of hectic rushing of homework while balancing the fair sanity of cracking jokes with peeps, there was that sense of having led a fulfilling time in the days. I just can't explain it well in words, due to my lack of good vocabulary which I am personally, quite ashamed of for my part, but it just somehow... doesnt seem to click now. As if that sort of exciting life I had just a few months ago were but a mere dream that passed as easily as I took it for granted. Times really do fly by and we really do regret not cherishing them enough. But how do we cherish times we had in the past? I mean... its always being said that we could have "cherished" those times better. How can we make "better" use of those times? But alas, I too am stuck within this very own paradox of my own... hypocritical being I am.
Even still... Much have been passing through my head again. Thoughts... Plans... I don't know... somehow whenever something in my head goes somewhere reasonable... it just reaches yet another standstill... another road block so to speak. Everytime I think I've got my life planned out... I find some bit of regret in me. I find that tiny bit that says... "hey maybe if I dont pursue it this way and go another direction, I might feel happier" How many a times do people actually get a job that they study for? How many actually lead a life they plan? How many actually experience the happiness they thought they would get in the past? I think i need many answers.
I'm slowly becoming paranoid. Too much time on my hands that I'm letting go without doing anything productive I suppose. I've got schoolwork and my vocation as a student dictates I study. But yet another part of me speaks to me not to just live my next 2 years in full concentration on schoolwork; which to an extent is really true. Many advise i seek a balance, a compromise in between those 2 aspects - life and study; but is it really that simple.... Can i just flip a textbook to its indexes and scan for a section that reads "Balancing Life and Study". I'm sure its not that simple.
Project work. I've got a project up my hands... another one ( The other 1 unmentioned would be the Passion Play project) I've been working up untill just recently, where it was concluded albeit
quite successfully in my opinion ( though could have been better) I seek solace nowhere.
It just seems everywhere around me, things are getting paired up. I dunno... it sometimes just aches me a little that people get paired up and I've been living in denial all this while. Its like being in prison... unaware of whats happening in reality while ur in ur 4 stone walls. And then theres whats in me. I am at a point of time where I once again, do not have any inkling what I am good at. What I'm useful for. What I can do. How I can benefit others. Why the hell am I even here.
Dilemas Dilemas. It sometimes just hurts me a little. I find myself too scared to make any steps forward because I'm too conservative, too cowardly in fear that it might bring me back to the first step. As if I've already gotten past the first step. I feel I've got something to lose. But do I? I dunno what to do, I have nothing to do, And i dunno if i'll ever have anything to do.
I think... up to this point, I've had a sudden realisation that my real fear isint failing in school, isint not accomplishing anything or any phobia of any kind. My real fear, it seems, has got to do with myself - loneliness - losing identity. And it seems I'm slowly plummetting into each and every one of the three aforementioned.
If i scream, will anyone listen?
Things have been a standstill most of the time lately ( as usual )... I think I'm missing a flare, a spark that was faintly evident in the days of O levels. I suppose in those days of hectic rushing of homework while balancing the fair sanity of cracking jokes with peeps, there was that sense of having led a fulfilling time in the days. I just can't explain it well in words, due to my lack of good vocabulary which I am personally, quite ashamed of for my part, but it just somehow... doesnt seem to click now. As if that sort of exciting life I had just a few months ago were but a mere dream that passed as easily as I took it for granted. Times really do fly by and we really do regret not cherishing them enough. But how do we cherish times we had in the past? I mean... its always being said that we could have "cherished" those times better. How can we make "better" use of those times? But alas, I too am stuck within this very own paradox of my own... hypocritical being I am.
Even still... Much have been passing through my head again. Thoughts... Plans... I don't know... somehow whenever something in my head goes somewhere reasonable... it just reaches yet another standstill... another road block so to speak. Everytime I think I've got my life planned out... I find some bit of regret in me. I find that tiny bit that says... "hey maybe if I dont pursue it this way and go another direction, I might feel happier" How many a times do people actually get a job that they study for? How many actually lead a life they plan? How many actually experience the happiness they thought they would get in the past? I think i need many answers.
I'm slowly becoming paranoid. Too much time on my hands that I'm letting go without doing anything productive I suppose. I've got schoolwork and my vocation as a student dictates I study. But yet another part of me speaks to me not to just live my next 2 years in full concentration on schoolwork; which to an extent is really true. Many advise i seek a balance, a compromise in between those 2 aspects - life and study; but is it really that simple.... Can i just flip a textbook to its indexes and scan for a section that reads "Balancing Life and Study". I'm sure its not that simple.
Project work. I've got a project up my hands... another one ( The other 1 unmentioned would be the Passion Play project) I've been working up untill just recently, where it was concluded albeit
quite successfully in my opinion ( though could have been better) I seek solace nowhere.
It just seems everywhere around me, things are getting paired up. I dunno... it sometimes just aches me a little that people get paired up and I've been living in denial all this while. Its like being in prison... unaware of whats happening in reality while ur in ur 4 stone walls. And then theres whats in me. I am at a point of time where I once again, do not have any inkling what I am good at. What I'm useful for. What I can do. How I can benefit others. Why the hell am I even here.
Dilemas Dilemas. It sometimes just hurts me a little. I find myself too scared to make any steps forward because I'm too conservative, too cowardly in fear that it might bring me back to the first step. As if I've already gotten past the first step. I feel I've got something to lose. But do I? I dunno what to do, I have nothing to do, And i dunno if i'll ever have anything to do.
I think... up to this point, I've had a sudden realisation that my real fear isint failing in school, isint not accomplishing anything or any phobia of any kind. My real fear, it seems, has got to do with myself - loneliness - losing identity. And it seems I'm slowly plummetting into each and every one of the three aforementioned.
If i scream, will anyone listen?
what we could have been, 6:26 PM.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
"Honestly speaking, I have no idea why mom would have chosen to marry me, a failure, pervert, eccentric guy over all her other suitors. But there is one thing I am most confident about, and that is I am the only one who loves her the most in this whole world and I guess, that's why she married me."
Ah... there it is... that is why i married him. Even though he was always like this, always fooling around and never acted serious or mature, but I loved him, the one who accepted all of me - both my good parts and my bad parts; and who showed me, without holding back, all of his bad parts as well as his good parts.
Ah... there it is... that is why i married him. Even though he was always like this, always fooling around and never acted serious or mature, but I loved him, the one who accepted all of me - both my good parts and my bad parts; and who showed me, without holding back, all of his bad parts as well as his good parts.
what we could have been, 10:37 AM.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Sure, we might quarrel at times, we will come to say awful words of spite, we will scream at the top of our lungs in detest of each other, we will whine to our friends about each other, we would doubt why we even came together... but no matter any of those situations, I am sure that when I am with you, I am happiest. I am in my own forest.
what we could have been, 7:12 PM.
